***If you are not comfortable with reading about thoughts that can accompany depression, this post is not for you. I don't care for the phrase "trigger warning," but I find it appropriate in this setting as I know that some of the subject matter can affect me.***
There have been two times in my life that I've fought anxiety and depression at the same time. The latter of which I am at the tail end. While my intention of this post is to focus on the positive things that God has brought to light in my life, I believe that we have to acknowledge the negative (and many times dark) things in our lives that can lead us down into the very literal "valley of the shadow of death" before we can move on to the peace and joy that is intended for us. If we don't, many times those same issues are just covered up and creep back into our lives at a later time. This is my story...
The Fall
I remember one morning a couple of months ago when we were driving to church. I told Tara that I was starting to feel a bit down, but it wasn't bad. I wanted her to know because I had gone through a nasty bout of acute depression once before a few years ago. I told her I thought it was the melatonin I had been taking on a nightly basis to help me stay asleep. I would wake up knowing that I had slept through the night, but was feeling empty. We continued on to church, and everything seemed relatively fine for the next few weeks, or so I thought.
I can't tell you the exact day, but what I can tell you is that I went from being relatively happy to the pit of despair in the blink of an eye. My emotions tanked. Since I had been through it before, I knew what was happening. The problem was that I didn't see a way to stop it. I felt like God was nowhere to be found. I felt like my wife didn't love me (which couldn't be further from the truth). I didn't want to be around my kids. I truly didn't want to leave the comfort of my bed. I liked talking to people because it took my mind off of it, but as soon as I was alone, my mind wandered back into the abyss. On top of all of this, anxiety about all of it set in. My resting heart rate went from about 60bpm to almost 100bpm for days on end. My heart felt weak, I felt shaky, and I had this painful pit in my stomach.
This is when the darkness started to creep into my life. Because I didn't feel/see my God, and had a general feeling that nobody cared for me, I didn't feel like my life was worth anything. Why was it important to go on? *Before I go any further, I must stress that you need to keep reading beyond this paragraph. DO NOT stop here.* It would be easy. I could just go to my gun safe, grab a gun and end it all. Sure, people might be sad, but it would only last for a while. Life would go on, and my emotional pain would end. I was tired of holding onto the stress that I let build up in my life. I just wanted out. Believe it or not, this bout with depression was not quite as bad as the last one. A few years ago I was laying in bed holding my wife's arm around me as tight as I could. I was crying and shaking uncontrollably. I didn't want her to go to work the next day because I didn't want to be alone. By the grace of God she was cancelled that day.
Identifying the Problem(s)
- Book Problem- A book that has been very important in my life is "Radical" by David Platt. It challenged my thinking about who I was as a Christian, and pushed me to do some introspection. The problem is that instead of looking at all of the positive things that God was doing in my life, I focused on everything I was doing wrong, and would constantly be down on myself for what I wasn't doing.
- Technology Problem- A majority of my work is done on my computer. When I am not working, I find myself in need of something that keeps my mind going the same speed. Many times I turn to Facebook. Other times I watch movies. Hours and hours on end I would try to keep my mind occupied.
- The Teacher's Problem-
“
Now all has been heard;
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the duty of all mankind.
For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil. -Ecclesiastes 12:13-14
- Control Problem- This really is the crux of the matter. I find myself trying to control every aspect of my life. I place importance on things where importance isn't due, and am let down when things don't go my way.
- Happiness Problem- While I know things of this world can provide temporary enjoyment, I also know that true happiness is found in delighting in my God. I have sought to find joy in all of the issues listed above, and they have all failed to deliver.
- Contentment Problem- I have a problem with being content with where I am at in my life. It ties in with the "Book Problem" in that I don't feel like I am doing enough.
All of these problems are root problems. They all led to many other issues that plagued my mind as well as manifesting as physical issues in my body.
The Fix
My wife was very concerned. She wanted me to go to the doctor this time. I obliged and was put on a very low dose antidepressant due to the fact that I rarely take pills, therefore they have a big effect on me. As I don't believe this was the main fix, I wanted to make mention of it because 1) it is part of the story and 2) to let people know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help. If you are in a dark place, put aside any negative views of antidepressants and work towards getting better.
The pills were actually my second step. I believe the most important thing you can do is to talk about what's going on. DO NOT bottle it up. First, I kept my wife in the loop. Second, I talked to God about it. I then sent a message to the men in my accountability group and talked to my mentor. Thankfully I am no longer taking the antidepressant. I attribute it to what is written below.
My Wife
My wife has been by my side through some very tough situations. She's stood the test of time and didn't falter with her support through this valley. She pushed me to see a doctor, was a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, and the voice of reason to my stubbornness. God put her in my life for a reason, and I will be forever grateful for her.
Accountability Group and Mentor
I am a part of a men's accountability group. We have been meeting for 4 or 5 years now on a weekly basis. We have a major thing in common. We have all identified issues in our lives and are seeking to lift each other up through prayer, interaction, and accountability.
My mentor and I have been friends since I was 18. As he lives in South Dakota, we didn't connect very often. 4 1/2 years ago I touched based with him and asked him to be my mentor. We try to touch base weekly. His guidance has been a key part in my spiritual growth. It was when I was 18, and it has been over the last 4 1/2 years.
God
I saved God for last because He was and is the true fix. As much as I cherish all of my other relationships, they all pale in comparison to an active relationship with my Father.
This part of my story needs a little background before I dive into what He has done for me in the last couple of months. I used to (and probably still do more than I should) lean on my own understanding (Prov. 3:5). I would actually tell people that when I prayed, I would pray for others (which isn't bad in and of itself) instead of myself because I knew I was good with God. What I have found out recently is that it was a terrible approach. Instead of reaching out to God, I was hiding behind the needs of others to push God away in my own arrogance. In my twisted mind, I thought that God would sustain me in my path if I brought other's issues to Him instead of my own. I wasn't acknowledging him in my own life, and was trying to direct my own path (Prov. 3:6). Essentially I was putting myself on the same level as God. A.W. Tozer said it well in his book Knowledge of the Holy. He writes:
"The man who comes to a right belief about God is relieved of ten thousand temporal problems, for he sees at once that these have to do with matters which at the most cannot concern him for very long; but even if the multiple burdens of time may be lifted from him, the one mighty single burden of eternity begins to press down upon him with a weight more crushing than all the woes of the world piled one upon another. That mighty burden is his obligation to God. It includes an instant and lifelong duty to love God with every power of mind and soul, to obey Him perfectly, and to worship Him acceptably. And when the man's laboring conscience tells him that he has done none of these things, but has from childhood been guilty of foul revolt against the Majesty in the heavens, the inner pressure of self-accusation may become too heavy to bear."
I finally cried out to God on one particularly dark night a few weeks ago. I had nothing left. I had nothing left of myself to lean on. I saw no path forward. I was scared. I was exhausted. I was alone. As I prayed, the Spirit reminded me of verses from the psalmist. My prayer included verses like Psalm 18:10, "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; The righteous runs into it and is safe." I also prayed verses from Psalm 23. I was very much in the "valley of the shadow of death," but I wasn't acknowledging that He was with me. I finally gave up. I needed the peace that passed all understanding. I went to sleep that night knowing and feeling that God was right by my side. Some of you reading this may say that I was building myself up with words of encouragement. I would very much have to disagree with this idea. I went down that route. I tried it myself...and I wound up digging a deeper hole. There was nothing I could do in my power to climb out. The following morning a woke up with a sense of peace. This leads into my next realization about God.
Peace
I've learned a lot about peace through this journey in the valley. Many times I think that we approach God wanting the quick fix. Philippians 4:7 states, " And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I think that we take a faulty and selfish view of this verse. How many times have you (myself included) prayed for that peace to come out of a selfish motive? We do God a disservice in this. What God desires most is for us to have a relationship with Him. Not a friendship, but a relationship that surpasses every relationship on this earth. He desires for us to commune with Him daily. With that said, nothing should ever be sought of God for a quick fix. We are to cry out to Him in our times of trouble not out of selfish desire, but to deepen our relationship with Him. We should be asking for peace acknowledging that our life is meaningless without Him. Acknowledging that His holiness is so much greater than our fallible mortal state. And that in no way are we capable of having a peaceful and meaningful life without him.
Happiness
This part should probably be titled "Happiness and Enjoyment," but happiness has so much more meaning than enjoyment. Many times I think we confuse the two. I also believe that true happiness can only be found in a true and meaningful relationship with God. I believe that when happiness isn't sought out through that relationship foremost, our fleshly selves try to find it in the things around us. Enjoyment isn't a bad thing, but when we try to replace our lasting happiness through our relationship with God with temporary enjoyment, we find ourselves consistently dissatisfied with the temporal nature of what this world has to offer. As I have dealt with this (and will continue to), I know that it becomes a never ending cycle. When the enjoyment fades from something we are trying to find happiness in, we move on to something bigger and better. We think that "maybe this will give me happiness" only to be let down once again. The thing about the God-shaped hole in our being is that only God will fit. Try as hard as you might to fill it with the temporal, but you will ultimately be frustrated and disappointed.
This is what I have learned through my time in the valley. While it is hard, I wouldn't trade it for the world. It has brought me closer to my God. I rely on Him on a daily basis now. I wake up with Him in the morning and go to bed with Him at night. I yearn for my time alone with Him. I seek Him throughout the day. I have truly learned that I can't do it alone, and that's the beauty of it all...we were never meant to. I have seen God respond to me when I finally gave up doing it all on my own. I have finally allowed God to be real in my life. I'm still in a bit of the valley, but instead of focusing on the darkness around me, I'm focused on the Light beside me. The Light doesn't show me the finish line. Instead, the Light requires that I walk next to Him at His pace and in His time. He is healing me slowly but thoroughly and intently. The more I embrace that healing, the more peace and happiness I find. Paul said it well in 2 Corinthians:
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor. 12:9-10
Finishing off this post, I'd like to quote A.W. Tozer one more time. This is the following paragraph from the previous quote:
The gospel can lift this destroying burden from the mind, give beauty for ashes, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. But unless the weight of the burden is felt the gospel can mean nothing to the man; and until he sees a vision of God high and lifted up, there will be no woe and no burden. Low views of God destroy the gospel for all who hold them.
The Fix
My wife was very concerned. She wanted me to go to the doctor this time. I obliged and was put on a very low dose antidepressant due to the fact that I rarely take pills, therefore they have a big effect on me. As I don't believe this was the main fix, I wanted to make mention of it because 1) it is part of the story and 2) to let people know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help. If you are in a dark place, put aside any negative views of antidepressants and work towards getting better.
The pills were actually my second step. I believe the most important thing you can do is to talk about what's going on. DO NOT bottle it up. First, I kept my wife in the loop. Second, I talked to God about it. I then sent a message to the men in my accountability group and talked to my mentor. Thankfully I am no longer taking the antidepressant. I attribute it to what is written below.
My Wife
My wife has been by my side through some very tough situations. She's stood the test of time and didn't falter with her support through this valley. She pushed me to see a doctor, was a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, and the voice of reason to my stubbornness. God put her in my life for a reason, and I will be forever grateful for her.
Accountability Group and Mentor
I am a part of a men's accountability group. We have been meeting for 4 or 5 years now on a weekly basis. We have a major thing in common. We have all identified issues in our lives and are seeking to lift each other up through prayer, interaction, and accountability.
My mentor and I have been friends since I was 18. As he lives in South Dakota, we didn't connect very often. 4 1/2 years ago I touched based with him and asked him to be my mentor. We try to touch base weekly. His guidance has been a key part in my spiritual growth. It was when I was 18, and it has been over the last 4 1/2 years.
God
I saved God for last because He was and is the true fix. As much as I cherish all of my other relationships, they all pale in comparison to an active relationship with my Father.
This part of my story needs a little background before I dive into what He has done for me in the last couple of months. I used to (and probably still do more than I should) lean on my own understanding (Prov. 3:5). I would actually tell people that when I prayed, I would pray for others (which isn't bad in and of itself) instead of myself because I knew I was good with God. What I have found out recently is that it was a terrible approach. Instead of reaching out to God, I was hiding behind the needs of others to push God away in my own arrogance. In my twisted mind, I thought that God would sustain me in my path if I brought other's issues to Him instead of my own. I wasn't acknowledging him in my own life, and was trying to direct my own path (Prov. 3:6). Essentially I was putting myself on the same level as God. A.W. Tozer said it well in his book Knowledge of the Holy. He writes:
"The man who comes to a right belief about God is relieved of ten thousand temporal problems, for he sees at once that these have to do with matters which at the most cannot concern him for very long; but even if the multiple burdens of time may be lifted from him, the one mighty single burden of eternity begins to press down upon him with a weight more crushing than all the woes of the world piled one upon another. That mighty burden is his obligation to God. It includes an instant and lifelong duty to love God with every power of mind and soul, to obey Him perfectly, and to worship Him acceptably. And when the man's laboring conscience tells him that he has done none of these things, but has from childhood been guilty of foul revolt against the Majesty in the heavens, the inner pressure of self-accusation may become too heavy to bear."
I finally cried out to God on one particularly dark night a few weeks ago. I had nothing left. I had nothing left of myself to lean on. I saw no path forward. I was scared. I was exhausted. I was alone. As I prayed, the Spirit reminded me of verses from the psalmist. My prayer included verses like Psalm 18:10, "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; The righteous runs into it and is safe." I also prayed verses from Psalm 23. I was very much in the "valley of the shadow of death," but I wasn't acknowledging that He was with me. I finally gave up. I needed the peace that passed all understanding. I went to sleep that night knowing and feeling that God was right by my side. Some of you reading this may say that I was building myself up with words of encouragement. I would very much have to disagree with this idea. I went down that route. I tried it myself...and I wound up digging a deeper hole. There was nothing I could do in my power to climb out. The following morning a woke up with a sense of peace. This leads into my next realization about God.
Peace
I've learned a lot about peace through this journey in the valley. Many times I think that we approach God wanting the quick fix. Philippians 4:7 states, " And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." I think that we take a faulty and selfish view of this verse. How many times have you (myself included) prayed for that peace to come out of a selfish motive? We do God a disservice in this. What God desires most is for us to have a relationship with Him. Not a friendship, but a relationship that surpasses every relationship on this earth. He desires for us to commune with Him daily. With that said, nothing should ever be sought of God for a quick fix. We are to cry out to Him in our times of trouble not out of selfish desire, but to deepen our relationship with Him. We should be asking for peace acknowledging that our life is meaningless without Him. Acknowledging that His holiness is so much greater than our fallible mortal state. And that in no way are we capable of having a peaceful and meaningful life without him.
Happiness
This part should probably be titled "Happiness and Enjoyment," but happiness has so much more meaning than enjoyment. Many times I think we confuse the two. I also believe that true happiness can only be found in a true and meaningful relationship with God. I believe that when happiness isn't sought out through that relationship foremost, our fleshly selves try to find it in the things around us. Enjoyment isn't a bad thing, but when we try to replace our lasting happiness through our relationship with God with temporary enjoyment, we find ourselves consistently dissatisfied with the temporal nature of what this world has to offer. As I have dealt with this (and will continue to), I know that it becomes a never ending cycle. When the enjoyment fades from something we are trying to find happiness in, we move on to something bigger and better. We think that "maybe this will give me happiness" only to be let down once again. The thing about the God-shaped hole in our being is that only God will fit. Try as hard as you might to fill it with the temporal, but you will ultimately be frustrated and disappointed.
This is what I have learned through my time in the valley. While it is hard, I wouldn't trade it for the world. It has brought me closer to my God. I rely on Him on a daily basis now. I wake up with Him in the morning and go to bed with Him at night. I yearn for my time alone with Him. I seek Him throughout the day. I have truly learned that I can't do it alone, and that's the beauty of it all...we were never meant to. I have seen God respond to me when I finally gave up doing it all on my own. I have finally allowed God to be real in my life. I'm still in a bit of the valley, but instead of focusing on the darkness around me, I'm focused on the Light beside me. The Light doesn't show me the finish line. Instead, the Light requires that I walk next to Him at His pace and in His time. He is healing me slowly but thoroughly and intently. The more I embrace that healing, the more peace and happiness I find. Paul said it well in 2 Corinthians:
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor. 12:9-10
Finishing off this post, I'd like to quote A.W. Tozer one more time. This is the following paragraph from the previous quote:
The gospel can lift this destroying burden from the mind, give beauty for ashes, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. But unless the weight of the burden is felt the gospel can mean nothing to the man; and until he sees a vision of God high and lifted up, there will be no woe and no burden. Low views of God destroy the gospel for all who hold them.
